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Monday, February 2, 2004

Great Moments in Decency Regulation
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[Scene: Suburban Family Room, Sunday Evening, February 1, 2004, Room has big screen HDTV tuner, TiVo, DVD, XBox, PS2, MP3 player and a pennant that says "I love the broadcast flag". Center stage in a recliner is unnamed head of regulatory commission, MKP.]

MKP: Yeah, pass some more nachos. Well, the game finally got interesting....(muffled talk) That guy used to be Britney Spears boyfriend??!!! Huh. Kind of scrawny. WHAT WAS THAT??!!!!

(Phone rings)

MKP: Commissioner Copps. How are you, Michael?.... Yes, I saw it, yes...yes...awful, yes...horrible, yes....very shocking, yes, I was shocked....no, I don't think it had anything to do with her brother....yes, he is peculiar.....I'm not sure....I have no idea whether it was fake or not...oh, hers...still have no idea....yes, we'll get on it first thing tomorrow....I am just as outraged as you.....no, I doubt Rupert Murdoch had anything to do with it....sabotaged CBS??....hadn't thought of that....If it is a Big Media conspiracy, I am sure you'll get to the bottom of it...no, we probably can't pull Fox's license for something that happened on CBS. Yes, the second half just kicked off. See you tomorrow. [Click.] Oh, this is not going to be....

(Phone rings)

MKP: Mr. President, Mr. Rove. Yes, sirs. I saw it. Outrageous, yes, I agree...I am sure it doesn't play well in Crawford...or any of the other Red states...I am sure it doesn't...she does look just like her brother, yes...yes. he is peculiar....no, Mr. President, this would never happen in baseball...a much better game indeed...I hadn't thought about all that raised blood pressure increasing the cost of your prescription drug program,...yes, very bad...It's already on Drudge? Wow!...Yes, probably was the liberal media conspiracy, no doubt...I'm not sure we can order that the game always be on Fox from here on out...Yes, sir, we're on it. [Click.] Sigh.

(Phone Rings)

MKP: Dad, how are you? Yes, I saw it... She is prettier than her brother. Better surgeon....yes, he is peculiar...How many countries? Formal protests?...Troops loved it? Well, that goes to figure... On Al-Jazeera, non-stop? Don't they know they can't rebroadcast or retransmit that without the express written consent of the NFL? The prime minister of where? Yeah, I'll hold. [Beep over phone line.]

(Click to other line)

MKP: Mr. Karmazin, good evening. Yes, great game. I know you're America's most watched network...Yes, I've heard your demographics stink...that still doesn't excuse...But, you own MTV too, so you can't just blame them...yes, her brother is peculiar...Look, I am sorry, we are going to have to deal with this formally.

(Click over to other line)

MKP: Dad, how many countries expressed outrage? The Swedes thought it was too tame? I can't do anything about that. Look, I have to go. [Click.]

(Dials phone)

MKP: Bryan, issue this first thing in the morning. Call it "classless, crass and deplorable" or something like that.

(Fade to black)

posted by Ray Gifford @ 7:21 PM | General

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